Monday, May 30, 2011

With Apologies to Blue Oyster Cult

In Feb. '10 I was working a paper route*, so I listened to the morning radio shows a lot.  The localest station was running call in contests for tickets to a BOC concert, and one day I thought I had the answer.  I usually dont call in myself, but nobody was getting the right answer (made up by the djs), so before I turned off my car to go in the house I decided what the hey, give them a ring.

The question was "What winter olympic sport would men like to see Lindsay Vaughn compete in?".  I got through, that itself being an achievement because the lines are usually tied when they run these contests, and gave my answer.

"Cross cunt-try."

Everyone in the room busted up laughing (including the stand up comedian guest dj), and when they finally regained composure the main guy said "Wow, that's not the right answer but I gotta give it to you just for that."

Fast forward a month to the day of the show.  I go to pick my brother up from his college having gotten no sleep since 3 am (and I had only a few hours of sleep before that).  The lack of sleep and greasiness of the food we ate (cheesesteaks, made by PA dutch locals) made the drive back a little uncomfortable.  We got home at threeish, I decided not to take a power nap and left for the concert at 7.  The opening bands were terrible, and the whole time we were saying "free tickets" in our heads.  Finally, a screen comes down and plays the cowbell sketch from SNL, and after that BOC starts playing.  By this time we had maneuvered to the near front and were parked right in front of a speaker.  I was in physical agony, and being brown-noted like no other.  Unable to take anymore, I peace for the bathroom.

This being my first time in that particular club, I had no idea where to go.  I went down some stairs and asked a girl where the bathrooms were, and she said "upstairs".  I didn't know how far upstairs (in hindsight, it was quite obvious, but I was also a little intoxicated), so I went all the way up.  I found myself in a small room with a bathroom, and just wanting to get some relief I dove in and went to town.

After some epic abdominal pain followed by indescribable bliss (all set to Godzilla, which was awesome), I left the bathroom and got my first real look at the place I had found.  Liquor bottles and food was scattered about, and I realized that it was the hospitality suite.  And the bathroom fan was weak.  And their show was almost over.  So, I quickly flew down the stairs, unnoticed, and got lost in the crowd.  I got to see Dont Fear the Reaper and Burnin for You, so I was at least present for the songs I know well.

I never heard anything about it, and they probably never noticed or blamed it on an employee.  Either way, I just want to say that I am sorry to the band and the establishment (Croc Rock) for any inconveniences.

*Worst job ever.  I did the math and I was getting payed $3-5/hour, as well as the havoc that it wreaked upon my car.

Monday, May 23, 2011

Stupid Shit I Did When I Was Younger

We've all done stupid shit, or are on the path to creating a small legacy of stories to reminisce over at reunions.  Here are a few of my stories, from retarded-stupid to 'what the fuck is your problem?'.  Bear in mind the age I was during the events retold below (or in one case please forgive me).

15; Stole a garbage can from my HS cafeteria-One day after lunch, a group of friends and I thought it would be jolly good fun to jack one of the refuse bins (they were on wheels and right next to the door, this should have been anticipated).  We had no plan on what to do once it left the doors, so we ended up just walking it down the hallway.  As the crowd thinned, we were able to drag in enough people to surround and effectively hide it from authority figures.  Soon, it was just our ring of people all huddled together around the can walking down the hall.  We sang* to cover up the noise of the wheels before someone had the bright idea to pick it up.  Once we got to the main crossroads of the school everyone let go of the garbage can and split, leaving several confused security guards (I love how thats normal now) to wonder what the fuck kids these days think is funny.  Oh, except I was laughing my ass off too much to have heard everyone agree on when to drop, so I was left holding the garbage can by the freaking handle.  I have no idea what gave me the brilliant plan I had next.  You see, after all other people ran off laughing and the administration got a decent look at me, I decided to run for it myself.  Only, I never let go of the garbage can, and the first path I chose was right up a flight of steps.  With every stair I went up the wheels on the garbage can banged into one themselves and eventually the whole base broke off.  Rid of half the weight (they were heavy ass wheels), I flew up the steps and into... a security guard who was holding a radio and knew everything.  She grabbed me as I threw the bin at her, and that must have done the trick because I slipped out and bolted down the hall, never to be caught.

*"a la la la la la la la" with no tempo or stable rythm and all discordy.

18; Shat on a vending machine-So I was high and on top of a building that had vending machines below it, and I had to shit but these were my early stoner days and didnt want my mom to hear me taking a shit and going back outside at 2am so I had like three options and this one was the funniest.  To wipe I used my boxers, and to dispose of the boxers I used a can of Axe and a lighter.  Was awesome, until a cop rolled by just as I was smacking the drawers on the wall.  Luckily, I was wearing THE most comfortable shorts ever made (I still use them as my "Im doing every single boxer I own" laundry day pants) and had no discomfort in the six block sprint I ran laughing my ass off.  Im not sure if they ever cleaned it off, or even thought to look up there, or if rain washed it away but I will never have a soda from that machine ever again.

10ish; Jousted-Im not sure exactly how old I was, but it was after "A Knight's Tale" came to vhs and my brother watched that movie every single day for weeks.  We got it in our heads that we could find sticks and get on our bikes and run into each other.  My plan (for fuck's sake why I dont know) was to be as hurt as possible, which was awesome because thats exactly what happened.  I had a gash from my nipple to my armpit and my brother was basically stabbed in the chest with a blunt piece of wood.  It took us three or four tries to figure out that it was basically the worst idea ever and call it a day.

10ish still; Javellened my brother with a broom-Dont remember too well why, but my brother walked into a room and I threw the broom at him, hitting his eye and giving him a minor concussion.  We lied our asses off, saying he fell down the stairs and hit the bookshelf at the bottom, and to this day I dont see how our mom wasnt contacted by child services.

11; Prank phone calls-The best part of this is that we (my brother and I) did this literally within months of caller id coming out.  They were still running the commercials, unveiling the wonders of knowing who's calling before you pick up!  But yes, we thought it would be cool so we dialed a random number (same area code luckily), found one that had an answering machine and left dozens of the most obscene, disgusting and horrifying messages our young little minds could concieve (76% involved dicks and butts/poo).  We thought we were so clever and hilarious, sitting in silent victory as the evening went on until about 830-9ish when we got the call back.  Our mother was in tears as she screamed at us, and even smacked me over one particular message involving monkeys.  I was grounded for probably the longest I had ever been, and for this I missed a lot of pokemon episodes.  And at 11, that was worse than death.

As usual, theres more, but this much took longer than I thought and I could always use more fodder.

Thursday, May 19, 2011

The Essential Gaming

Why not a video game post?  They say write what you know.  Here is a list of my personal favorite video games/series of all time.

The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time-  This was one of my first console games, and I still play it from time to time.  If you never have, for whatever reason only the tribal elders may know, do so.  If you dont like the graphics it only means you're too young to remember the difficult times the earlier generations had to face.  They were shit-tastic in their day and Im still impressed with the level of detail the game offered.

Super Smash Brothers-  Im not talking about Brawl or Melee, but the n64 version.  There were only 12 characters and you had to unlock four of them, and only four or five good levels.  I played this game last night.

Pokemon-  Take your pick.  There are five generations and nineteen individual titles (or twenty, depending on what country you live in) to choose from, each one better than the last in interactivity, graphics, depth and gameplay.  The stories are per your taste, they seem to get worse with each one to me, but only because Ive been there since RBY.  FR/LG are the best out now, since they're a reboot of red and blue with updated moves and an expanded area.

Killzone-  I havent played the second or third, as I dont own a ps3, but the first one was ballstacular.  The story was tits, and the multiplayer was gamer sex.

Grand Theft Auto-  The ps2 titles, once again (its the latest system I own.  Sorry, I dont feel like shelling out 500 bucks on a new system and games and peripherals).  GTA3 was my first ps2 game, and it was the best purchase I ever made.  I didnt have a memory card for a month, so I just played the first couple of missions every time before I went into fuck around mode.  By 2004, I could draw the map of liberty city by memory.

Advance Wars-  Its like animated mobile Risk, plus you can design your own maps and scenarios.  This could hold me up for hours.

Rayman 2 (n64)-  Evocative environments did me in for this one.  I really felt like every level was a place, and that there was more beyond the borders of the map.  The story is nothing for the sagas, but it was an honest effort.  Add the addictive and mostly flawless gameplay and you have yourself a game, sir.

There's more, yes, but who would want to read this crap on and on?  Im sure you're busy, so lets call it a night.

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Things I hate

A common element of a blog, I suppose.  A list of certain things that I cant stand, and why.  Enjoy.

1.  Ketchup-It's disgusting.  The smell, the taste, the bland color, that gross, not-liquid but not-solid texture, the sound of it coming out of the bottle, everything about it.  Keep that shit away from me.

2.  Advertising-Nothing but lies, gimmicks, and non-related images mostly for products that are not entirely necessary.  The worst offenders are for technologies (apple especially).  Either they're flat out lies (both verizon and at&t boast the largest and most reliable 3g networks!) or just retarded eye bait.  On top of that, most companies' budgets revolve around advertising, usually absorbing the majority of the funds.  And for what?  To remind us that McDonald's serves quarter pounders and has milkshakes?  I dont think certain things leave your head after continuing to be relevant for most of a century.  These funds could go to paying the employees more, modernizing and repairing the stores (the average is three broken pieces of equipment per McDonald's), or even improving the quality of the food.  But no, they feel they need to present an image with their product, even though everyone already knows its sub grade food and piss all over the bathroom floor.

3.  Guys who spend more making a car look cool than what they paid for the car itself.  A Focus with a spoiler, chameleon paint and scoops that arent vented is still just a golf cart.  They even make speakers you can put into your car to make it sound like you put in a turbo kit. Speakers, for christ's sake.

4.  That bouncer at the club that wouldn't let me back in even though I had a wristband, all because I left my id at home (I had to sneak in earlier and ask one of the wristband girls for a 'new' one), which was weird because I had been bar hopping all night and not ONE other person carded me.  Dude was like 350, though, so I didnt want to start shit.

5.  Not having a monkey-still waiting.

6.  Pop music.

7.  Knowing that there will never be an eradication of suffering or war anytime soon.

8.  Knowing I probably wont be able to inflict any of that suffering or war myself.

9.  Shitty Discovery/History Channel lineups.  Fucking seriously, Pawn Stars?  "Dur, history happens every day!"  Yes, but it sure as hell doesnt happen to four fat asses selling junk in Vegas.  Oh, the junk has historical value?  Too bad its still a terrible premise for a show.  Then there's American pickers, which is the same theme of old crap that somebody somewhere is going to pay hundreds for while they pay a fraction of its actual value to the owner.  I once saw 14 solid hours of these two shows on the tv guide, and they looped, too.  And when they're not playing that crap its "Guys Doing Laborous Jobs", for the other ten hours of the day.  The rest of the content is mostly doomsday/apocalypse programming, one of them even taking cut scenes from that terrible 2012 movie.  I will hand it to History, though, they do return to their roots during the Sunrise With Hitler block at 4 freaking am.

10.  TV in general-I dunno, its just not fun anymore.  Im told what to watch when, most of the good shows are on pay channels, and anything else worth watching is just a rehash of something else (ie The Killing = Twin Peaks).  Adult Swim remains watchable, but most of their good stuff gets cancelled too soon and they hang on to crap.  I do appreciate the anime, as they do find gems from time to time like Cowboy Bebop, Paranoia Agent and FLCL.

11.  Asshole parents who let their bansee spawn run around the god damned restaraunt and do nothing more than raise their voices and give their kids a mean look that only goads the child on.  I like kids, but when they actually make enough noise to make the windows vibrate I kind of want to punt them.  Even so, its the parents I hate in this one, so mind that.

12.  My dog pissing on my bed without even giving a "please take me out now" bark.

13.  Ugh, hmm...ah, trying to eat a quick breakfast before work and having to change gears all the time wth food in my hand because of stupid traffic.

14.  Finding an old toy or collectible, remembering it used to be worth something and checking to see that its only fetching three bucks on ebay.

15.  Spiders.  Fuck them.