My Stepmother Killed Some Birds, and Other Pet Deaths

On one of our annual summer visits to our fathers house, my brother got a parakeet for his birthday.  A little blue and white one that he named Gino (later Gina, after it was old enough for gender ID).  While we were in the bird store, a woman asked my stepmother, "Gail", what kind of bedding to get for two macaws.  She told them cedar wood shavings would do, and they bought a large bag and left while we were still in the store.

Now, the thing is macaw droppings react with cedar to produce some toxic (to them) gas, and they will suffer seizures and quite possibly death.  We didn't find this out until later that night while Gail chit chatted with my father, who upon hearing this tried calling the pet store, but they were closed, and even when he finally did get in touch the store had no way of finding the people.  Sooo... two dead $1400 birds, unless the owners were smart enough or had the resources to correct the mistake.  However, this was in semi-bumblefuck South Carolina, in an era when dial-up was still going strong, so unless they were net savvy middle aged bible belt denizens, or lived near a library (let alone knew where any were), they probably didn't realize until it was too late.

Anyway, she was not done, so one night she had her lovebird, Buster, out.  This was bad.  This was a female lovebird that had never gotten laid, and the bitch was a demon.  This thing would go directly for your ears and bite as absolutely hard as it could.  Sometimes it would let you perch it, only to lull you into a false sense of security as it bites the skin between your thumb and finger.  Now, take that and throw in a smaller, younger female bird and think about that.  Did you see a parakeet with one leg and a broken bloody wing?  I sure did.  Poor thing bled out within a day.  God damn that woman was stupid.

It wasn't just birds Gail had a habit of killing.  Several dogs have lost their lives at her hands, one of them just a puppy.  The first murder was that of her longtime black lab cleverly named Midnight.  Midnight was an outside dog, and would often seek refuge from the heat in the shade of one of the cars.  On the day in question, she was under my stepmother's, right in line with the wheel.  As Gail backed up, she went right over the dog, then, wondering what that bump was all about, put it in drive and went right back over Midnight, finishing off with a little doggie yelp.  Sad and such, she got a replacement puppy, but forgot that outside dogs need water and the little guy died of heat exhaustion.  The third one was a German Shepherd, which snapped the puppy leash she totally spaced out on replacing and promptly got hit by a truck.  No more dogs after that.

Those are all the suspicious murder cases for Gail, but luckily for me and my therapist's bank account my parents also allowed me to witness the demises of beloved furry friends.  I had a turtle for a week, that my dad thought would be chipper to bring to my daycare as a 'class pet'.  Well, these daycare workers cared jack shit about a herd of 4 year olds playing with a turtle that they "set it free" in the back playground.  We found it a week later in a pile of leaves, which I threw up into the air to see the turtle crash to the ground.  I brought it to Snack Lady (I don't remember their names), and she was all "Ooh, what's that?"  One little bastard said that we found it on its back, and that they die when that happens, so the stupid bitch just put the squirming turtle in the fucking garbage can, and no matter what I said she wouldn't take it out.  I cried for I don't even know how long.

Around the same time I had two cats.  One was Tee Tee (he had a sixth toe on his front paws and they stuck out like 't's), but he ran all the way back to his original owners house (the only animal I ever owned that didn't get killed, btw).  Then we got Tiger, and he was just swell.  I pet him and he didn't claw my ass up, he played with little balls of whatever, and all around was an awesome cat.  Until my mom killed him.  He liked to nap on the garage door when it was open, and my mom closed it one night without calling him down and he got pinned on the top of the door.  We discovered this as we loaded up in the car to go to daycare.  I think I was getting numb to the pain already.

Fast forward a few years when my mom caved and got us a cat, then another.  The second one, Tigger (I did not name him that, he came with it, but ironically he was the same breed as Tiger) climbed up on my lap while I was on the computer one day.  He did his usual craw up on my shoulders, but I was hunched forward too much that he fell back and broke his neck on the desk, collapsing into a violent seizure and dying.  On my lap.  The older cat, Skittles, got fleas when we moved to our new house, got very depressed, and on top of a lifetime diet of dry cat food (we just didn't know), just stopped eating and died.

Most recently, I had a hand in the death of a family pet.  My grandfather was in physical rehab for a few months after a fall, and I was tasked with checking up on the cat.  I did good for a few weeks, but one day I forgot to check in, and later forgot that I forgot, so in all a week passed before I got back.  This was November, so we had the heat in my grandfather's apartment going, on low but still.  This seemed to speed up the evaporation process of the water bowl, and even with one of those large water cooler type dishes the cat was dry for some time.  She was almost immobilized, but only barely able to drag herself to the water bowl or the litter box, which after a while wasn't even possible.  She lingered for a few days, went blind and just wasted away.  I felt terrible, because my grandfather had only that cat to remind him of his deceased wife and daughter, both of whom were former owners of the cat.

That's the gist, right now I have a 3 year old dog that has had some close calls but so far so good.  She's my first dog, so yeah, I'm going to be sad as hell when she does finally die a decade or so from now (dear god please let it be a full life).

Oh yeah and lots of fish.  I think the water where I lived was, like, sub-par.  They grew tumors on their eyes.  I'm glad we moved.

This Actually Happened

Last year I had an eventful evening that would change my view of the world.  I posted this on one of my forums a few weeks after the fact, so some things were a tad foggy, but its still my earliest record (I have told and retold this many times).  Here is what I first wrote, copied and pasted from that forum:

Okay, Im gonna tell you a little story about meeting up with some old (now former) friends after about 10 years, then I want to know if it actually was as weird and creepy as I took it. Its a bit long, but so many things happened, each just lowering my standards one by one, that I cant really skip too much (this is abridged). Here goes...

I started doing a paper route for some extra cash in january. I noticed one of my customers had the same last name as two kids I used to be friends with at a YMCA summer camp I went to as a kid. So, one day I left a note in one of the papers asking if it was them. A few weeks later, I see someone walking down the street as I was doing my thing and they called to me, and it turned out to be one of them. I was happy to see I was right, and told him to give me a call and we could catch up. We end up agreeing to meet at a local diner at 7pm. I show up there about 6:50, order a beer and wait for them to show up. At about 7:45, I get a call from my brother saying they called the house asking when I was going to pick them up. WTF? I never said I would pick them up, and they're older than me so I assumed they had a car or cars, or at the very least a license so they could borrow their parents' car. I shrug it off, and drive down to their house. I knock on the door for a good ten minutes before their dad answers, apparently not knowing I was even showing up. He starts talking, and his voice is so slurred and his language so slang I had no idea what he was saying, so I just kinda nodded and smiled. FINALLY, the one kid I talked to comes downstairs and tells me his brother IS STILL SLEEPING, and has to get ready. He invites me to see his room (I hate going into peoples' rooms, dont know why), and all I see is trash, toys and a dirty mattress on the floor. He picks up a wooden tanto replica and says "Yeah, I collect swords!". The tanto was the only one. He then shows me this "awesome book he bought at Barnes and Nobles", which was a picture book of ancient civilizations aimed at 10 year olds. He starts going on about something or other until the other one finally comes out of his room, and then we head back to the diner.

It's now 8:30, and my beer is completely flat and warm. I chug it and ask for another, because already I know Im gonna need it. We order, and while we wait they just grill me on the most random things ever: "Do you still hang out with (other kid I havent seen in 10 years)?" "Do you still play pokemon (I do, but I wasn't gonna get them going on that in public)?" "Are you christian?". That last one only bothers me because I remember they were devout catholics, and I knew this was going to be a sticky topic through the night. I said "kinda", and they decided to start praying. The food finally came, and I ate mine as fast as I could just to get out of there. They, however, enjoy a more prolonged dining experience. Now, the one had a burger, and he covered it with soooooo much ketchup that every time he took a bite, globs of it would pour out onto everything, including his hands and face. Not phased, he just continues eating until he looks like courtney love. He decides that now would be a great time to finally wipe some of the slop off his face, so he gets up to go to the bathroom. But then, he gets another great idea: eat all of his food, then wash his face! It all seems so obvious now! He doesnt even bother using a napkin to at least get some of it off, but rather just makes a bigger mess for later. Ugh. Im already wishing I never put that note in the paper. Meanwhile, their beverages go empty (did I mention they ordered FUCKING CHOCOLATE MILK?!?), so they think it would be awesome to harass anyone who walks by for a refill. The first sees a waiter taking someones order across the aisle, and just says "Hey, get me a refill!" and shakes his cup until the guy turns around and, bless his patience, says 'sure thing' and refills it. He comes back, continues to take his customers' order, when the other decides to follow suit, shaking his glass saying "can I get a refill here?". Interrupted for a second time, the waiter just grabs the cup, refills it and brings it back without saying a word, then finishes his order-taking.

They continue to eat as I sit there trying to pretend to be somewhere else, and they continue bugging me. "Hey, want to go to Vegas next week?" "Should I build a christian theme park (not even joking)?" "Hey, want to go to LA next month?" "Oh wow, 3doors down (I was wearing a concert tee)!" to which he whips out his cell phone and starts playing music IN THE FUCKING DINER. More stuff happens that I wish I could forget, but its really more of the same so I wont bug you with it. You get the gist. The last thing that happens before we leave that has haunted my nightmares was when an old lady walked by and asked if the two kids were twins (they were, I forgot to mention), to which the most christian of the two replies "Yeah, baby, you looking for a good time?" She laughs, probably because she thinks its just a joke made by todays progressive minded youngsters. I just sit there in absolute horror and disbelief, while he continues to say such things and she continues to just let it slide. His comment after the whole incident was that he "needs to keep up his A-game". Our check comes, I throw money onto the table and tell them Ill meet them at the car. I immediately smoke the hell out of a cigarette and contemplate just driving away, but they come out just as I find the keys in my pocket. Damn.

The drive back was a bit surreal. They talk about this time that their mother was cheating on their dad and he came home, although they seem to have no idea she was in fact cheating. Im determined to get into a fatal accident by now. Sadly, we arrive in one piece, and as Im trying to say "bye forever" in not so many words, they bug me to play rock band with them. I tell them one song, and go back inside (Im too nice to simply say 'fuck off'). We go upstairs, and I discover the damn thing is STILL IN THE BOX. He pulls out the guitar, and its broken at the frets. Instead of hearing what I was hoping, which was "Oh, I guess we cant play!", I heard instead "You don't mind". Not "You dont mind, do you?", but rather an assertion that no, I do not in fact mind playing with a broken piece of shit. So as hes struggling to connect the thing to the Wii, the other one comes in asking how good I am with history. I say that im okay, so he starts asking me questions for his friends HIGH SCHOOL HOMEWORK. I dont know if they failed a bunch of grades and are still in HS, or if their only friends are still in HS. Either way, that was fucking weird. I just tell them to tell their friend to google it (It was beyond easy and retarded to not know yourself), but they harass me until I tell them. The first still not having figured out the mystical process of AV plugs, I tell them that it was late and I HAD to be home. I left, saying things like "Ill see ya around", and once I got home I scrubbed a whole layer of skin off my body in searing hot water, and still felt like there were microscopic versions of their heads crawling on me.

That was it.  Since I posted that, I had a few run ins that were excruciating.  The first was a phone call that was a sum of me saying "Im too busy (and not desperately bored enough) to do anything with you", and then a message a little while later asking if I was ready to go on that trip to Las fucking Vegas that was mentioned in passing at the diner.

A few weeks later, the mom pulls out of her driveway as Im doing my rounds in their area and hits my car.  I didnt notice it at first, because I was at the back door of a house, but I heard a crunch and thought "hope that wasnt my car".  I come back out to see my car in one piece, and their thunderbird idling in their driveway while the mom just sat there.  I thought she hit the truck she was milimeters from, so I got in my car and drove off.  At the next stop, I end up getting back to my car at the right angle to see a huge dent right behind my front passenger tire and another right behind the door.  At that moment I could see exactly that she had done it, because the dents were just wide enough apart to fit her fender, I remembered the positions of the vehicles and knew exactly how she pulled out, and on top of that I didnt have a single dent or scratch on my car until then.  I tried calling them, knocking on the door, and even more notes in the papers I delivered there, but never heard any response.  I just stopped delivering altogether, because fuck it, and they stopped paying and had their subscription dropped.

Finally, on literally my last week of doing that god forsaken paper route (seriously kids, dont ever do it), I see the one kid wandering around (he said he just likes to walk around in the dark at 4 am).  He comes up to me, right in front of one of my customer's houses, and starts drilling me on why I never got back to him.  I was still not pissed off enough to say "screw off", and I was in front of my best tipper's house so I kept it quiet and blamed it on the fact that they never got back to me about the car.  He must have seen through the BS, but instead of being all "Oh, I get it.  Whatever man"  he asks if I "hate him".  How immature and insecure in yourself do you have to be to ask someone if the reason they dont want to hang out with you is if they hate you?  At that point, I just shook my head and said "see ya" and drove off.  The rest of the route I was looking over my shoulder constantly because I was slowly making my way to their house.  I never did see or hear from them again, but damn, I am fearing that day.  What will I do?  I would like to just go all out and tell them every defect in their personalities that makes them weird ass people, but chances are I will feel nothing but sympathy for their tragic cases (I am quite conviced they are some level of retarded; I didnt notice it when I was 12 because thats how 12 year olds act, but not 21 year olds) and just make up some sorry bull and get away as fast as possible.

But anyway, thats what happened, and hopefully others will think twice before rekindling older friendships.  Like, maybe they stopped for a reason?

Essential Gaming II

Some more games I've spent a measurable fraction of my waking life playing.  Enjoy.

Star Wars Battle Front II-  I do believe I owe my terrible 1st semester grades of 2006 to this little baby here.  I had the first one, and that was awesome and all, but the moment I played the second I owned no other video games.  I have hundreds of thousands of kills, a 'general' ranking, and legendary status on all the medals.  I have to put the AI on elite just so im sure they can hit me.  And thats not particularly skill, but the powerups you earn eventually turn you invincible with a death cannon for a gun, so its more about how much time I wasted playing this game.  That was only because it was a very, very, very good game.  The levels were intricately detailed to give vantage points while still looking natural and evocative.  The controls are quite straightforward, being a shooter and all.  The best part is its a third person yet handles just like an fps.  There's even a FP mode, but its kind of lame as you cant see your gun.  The multiplayer is incredible, especially in "Conquest" mode.  You build fleets and play risk in space, only you get to do the battles too (with purchaseable powerups, of course).  Another upgrade from the first and probably the best feature of the game are the space battles.  Still not quite actually from the movie kind of battles, but you still have to face enemy fighters and attack the command ships, which you can also board and take out from the inside.  Its a well rounded, easily playable and highly addicting game that will surely cost you your GPA.

Shadow of the Colossus-  Hands down, will forever be in top percent of great games.  The world was so well designed I thought I was there, and would actually compare scenes in the game to real locations, saying "It looks just fucking like that".  The bosses, if you are unaware, are the only enimies in the game.  The challenge is finding them, and with said detailed world that is usually a very stressful ordeal.  Once you do find them, you then have to kill them in order to harvest soul spaghetties (I dunno, just play it and see).  Some of the bosses are aggressive, and will attack you on sight.  Others will hunt you down (in a maze).  Its the ones that dont really fight back that give you a sense at what is going on; these massive creatures have existed for probably millenia, and you just come in and end their reign, and one by one they die.  There was also the hidden garden with the poison fruit on top of the temple, which was pretty cool except after defeating 400 little lizards and eating their tales (or was it the fruit?), I was able to get up and see what the fuck was so secret only to look around a 50x30 courtyard.  Whatever, it was cool.  There was also a prequel, ICO, it didnt really follow the same gameplay, but the feel of it is the same in that good, eerie sort of way.  I did hear about a third installment (the stories and style shift, but theyre of the same world), but It was for ps3 and I lost track a while ago.

Alpha Centauri-  Gameplay is basically Civilization in space (well, an undeveloped alien world), but the setup has its own flavor and all that.  You land on the planet as one of seven faction leaders (military, economy, religion, humanitarianism, totalitarianism, ecological, and academic), and you watch your units evolve from little 1/1/1 scouts to hovertanks, battleships, jets, missiles and even nukes.  You can win the game through several options (if you havent guessed it, I only ever won by conquering); domination, controlling all the money, uniting everyone in peace, or doing science so hard you evolve past humans.

Homeworld-  An awesome 3D panoramic space RTS game.  You had a mothership travelling through space, and on the way there are some encounters both good and bad and you build a fleet of ships to defend yourself.  Some of the bigger capitol ships get pretty badass, and nothing beats watching the enemy fleet get pummeled from all sides by every ship youve got.  The controlls were a little bit to learn, but I was kinda young when I got this one.

Pharaoh-  Sim City in Ancient Egypt.  Plus you get to build pyramids and sphynxes and obelisks and all sorts of cool shit.  You also have to worry about appeasing gods, and sometimes if you dont you can get screwed over.  Disease, disaster, bad economy.  That last one is a bitch because its a dominoe, and next goes house values, people leave, you no longer have enough workers, buildings catch fire or collapse because the workers left want to work at the wood cutter, even though the are no more loggers and police, fire stations and architects posts stand empty.  You could manually move them there, but you usually dont know the situation until something happens and its too late.

Goldeneye-  Nuff said.

With Apologies to Blue Oyster Cult

In Feb. '10 I was working a paper route*, so I listened to the morning radio shows a lot.  The localest station was running call in contests for tickets to a BOC concert, and one day I thought I had the answer.  I usually dont call in myself, but nobody was getting the right answer (made up by the djs), so before I turned off my car to go in the house I decided what the hey, give them a ring.

The question was "What winter olympic sport would men like to see Lindsay Vaughn compete in?".  I got through, that itself being an achievement because the lines are usually tied when they run these contests, and gave my answer.

"Cross cunt-try."

Everyone in the room busted up laughing (including the stand up comedian guest dj), and when they finally regained composure the main guy said "Wow, that's not the right answer but I gotta give it to you just for that."

Fast forward a month to the day of the show.  I go to pick my brother up from his college having gotten no sleep since 3 am (and I had only a few hours of sleep before that).  The lack of sleep and greasiness of the food we ate (cheesesteaks, made by PA dutch locals) made the drive back a little uncomfortable.  We got home at threeish, I decided not to take a power nap and left for the concert at 7.  The opening bands were terrible, and the whole time we were saying "free tickets" in our heads.  Finally, a screen comes down and plays the cowbell sketch from SNL, and after that BOC starts playing.  By this time we had maneuvered to the near front and were parked right in front of a speaker.  I was in physical agony, and being brown-noted like no other.  Unable to take anymore, I peace for the bathroom.

This being my first time in that particular club, I had no idea where to go.  I went down some stairs and asked a girl where the bathrooms were, and she said "upstairs".  I didn't know how far upstairs (in hindsight, it was quite obvious, but I was also a little intoxicated), so I went all the way up.  I found myself in a small room with a bathroom, and just wanting to get some relief I dove in and went to town.

After some epic abdominal pain followed by indescribable bliss (all set to Godzilla, which was awesome), I left the bathroom and got my first real look at the place I had found.  Liquor bottles and food was scattered about, and I realized that it was the hospitality suite.  And the bathroom fan was weak.  And their show was almost over.  So, I quickly flew down the stairs, unnoticed, and got lost in the crowd.  I got to see Dont Fear the Reaper and Burnin for You, so I was at least present for the songs I know well.

I never heard anything about it, and they probably never noticed or blamed it on an employee.  Either way, I just want to say that I am sorry to the band and the establishment (Croc Rock) for any inconveniences.

*Worst job ever.  I did the math and I was getting payed $3-5/hour, as well as the havoc that it wreaked upon my car.

Stupid Shit I Did When I Was Younger

We've all done stupid shit, or are on the path to creating a small legacy of stories to reminisce over at reunions.  Here are a few of my stories, from retarded-stupid to 'what the fuck is your problem?'.  Bear in mind the age I was during the events retold below (or in one case please forgive me).

15; Stole a garbage can from my HS cafeteria-One day after lunch, a group of friends and I thought it would be jolly good fun to jack one of the refuse bins (they were on wheels and right next to the door, this should have been anticipated).  We had no plan on what to do once it left the doors, so we ended up just walking it down the hallway.  As the crowd thinned, we were able to drag in enough people to surround and effectively hide it from authority figures.  Soon, it was just our ring of people all huddled together around the can walking down the hall.  We sang* to cover up the noise of the wheels before someone had the bright idea to pick it up.  Once we got to the main crossroads of the school everyone let go of the garbage can and split, leaving several confused security guards (I love how thats normal now) to wonder what the fuck kids these days think is funny.  Oh, except I was laughing my ass off too much to have heard everyone agree on when to drop, so I was left holding the garbage can by the freaking handle.  I have no idea what gave me the brilliant plan I had next.  You see, after all other people ran off laughing and the administration got a decent look at me, I decided to run for it myself.  Only, I never let go of the garbage can, and the first path I chose was right up a flight of steps.  With every stair I went up the wheels on the garbage can banged into one themselves and eventually the whole base broke off.  Rid of half the weight (they were heavy ass wheels), I flew up the steps and into... a security guard who was holding a radio and knew everything.  She grabbed me as I threw the bin at her, and that must have done the trick because I slipped out and bolted down the hall, never to be caught.

*"a la la la la la la la" with no tempo or stable rythm and all discordy.

18; Shat on a vending machine-So I was high and on top of a building that had vending machines below it, and I had to shit but these were my early stoner days and didnt want my mom to hear me taking a shit and going back outside at 2am so I had like three options and this one was the funniest.  To wipe I used my boxers, and to dispose of the boxers I used a can of Axe and a lighter.  Was awesome, until a cop rolled by just as I was smacking the drawers on the wall.  Luckily, I was wearing THE most comfortable shorts ever made (I still use them as my "Im doing every single boxer I own" laundry day pants) and had no discomfort in the six block sprint I ran laughing my ass off.  Im not sure if they ever cleaned it off, or even thought to look up there, or if rain washed it away but I will never have a soda from that machine ever again.

10ish; Jousted-Im not sure exactly how old I was, but it was after "A Knight's Tale" came to vhs and my brother watched that movie every single day for weeks.  We got it in our heads that we could find sticks and get on our bikes and run into each other.  My plan (for fuck's sake why I dont know) was to be as hurt as possible, which was awesome because thats exactly what happened.  I had a gash from my nipple to my armpit and my brother was basically stabbed in the chest with a blunt piece of wood.  It took us three or four tries to figure out that it was basically the worst idea ever and call it a day.

10ish still; Javellened my brother with a broom-Dont remember too well why, but my brother walked into a room and I threw the broom at him, hitting his eye and giving him a minor concussion.  We lied our asses off, saying he fell down the stairs and hit the bookshelf at the bottom, and to this day I dont see how our mom wasnt contacted by child services.

11; Prank phone calls-The best part of this is that we (my brother and I) did this literally within months of caller id coming out.  They were still running the commercials, unveiling the wonders of knowing who's calling before you pick up!  But yes, we thought it would be cool so we dialed a random number (same area code luckily), found one that had an answering machine and left dozens of the most obscene, disgusting and horrifying messages our young little minds could concieve (76% involved dicks and butts/poo).  We thought we were so clever and hilarious, sitting in silent victory as the evening went on until about 830-9ish when we got the call back.  Our mother was in tears as she screamed at us, and even smacked me over one particular message involving monkeys.  I was grounded for probably the longest I had ever been, and for this I missed a lot of pokemon episodes.  And at 11, that was worse than death.

As usual, theres more, but this much took longer than I thought and I could always use more fodder.

The Essential Gaming

Why not a video game post?  They say write what you know.  Here is a list of my personal favorite video games/series of all time.

The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time-  This was one of my first console games, and I still play it from time to time.  If you never have, for whatever reason only the tribal elders may know, do so.  If you dont like the graphics it only means you're too young to remember the difficult times the earlier generations had to face.  They were shit-tastic in their day and Im still impressed with the level of detail the game offered.

Super Smash Brothers-  Im not talking about Brawl or Melee, but the n64 version.  There were only 12 characters and you had to unlock four of them, and only four or five good levels.  I played this game last night.

Pokemon-  Take your pick.  There are five generations and nineteen individual titles (or twenty, depending on what country you live in) to choose from, each one better than the last in interactivity, graphics, depth and gameplay.  The stories are per your taste, they seem to get worse with each one to me, but only because Ive been there since RBY.  FR/LG are the best out now, since they're a reboot of red and blue with updated moves and an expanded area.

Killzone-  I havent played the second or third, as I dont own a ps3, but the first one was ballstacular.  The story was tits, and the multiplayer was gamer sex.

Grand Theft Auto-  The ps2 titles, once again (its the latest system I own.  Sorry, I dont feel like shelling out 500 bucks on a new system and games and peripherals).  GTA3 was my first ps2 game, and it was the best purchase I ever made.  I didnt have a memory card for a month, so I just played the first couple of missions every time before I went into fuck around mode.  By 2004, I could draw the map of liberty city by memory.

Advance Wars-  Its like animated mobile Risk, plus you can design your own maps and scenarios.  This could hold me up for hours.

Rayman 2 (n64)-  Evocative environments did me in for this one.  I really felt like every level was a place, and that there was more beyond the borders of the map.  The story is nothing for the sagas, but it was an honest effort.  Add the addictive and mostly flawless gameplay and you have yourself a game, sir.

There's more, yes, but who would want to read this crap on and on?  Im sure you're busy, so lets call it a night.

Things I hate

A common element of a blog, I suppose.  A list of certain things that I cant stand, and why.  Enjoy.

1.  Ketchup-It's disgusting.  The smell, the taste, the bland color, that gross, not-liquid but not-solid texture, the sound of it coming out of the bottle, everything about it.  Keep that shit away from me.

2.  Advertising-Nothing but lies, gimmicks, and non-related images mostly for products that are not entirely necessary.  The worst offenders are for technologies (apple especially).  Either they're flat out lies (both verizon and at&t boast the largest and most reliable 3g networks!) or just retarded eye bait.  On top of that, most companies' budgets revolve around advertising, usually absorbing the majority of the funds.  And for what?  To remind us that McDonald's serves quarter pounders and has milkshakes?  I dont think certain things leave your head after continuing to be relevant for most of a century.  These funds could go to paying the employees more, modernizing and repairing the stores (the average is three broken pieces of equipment per McDonald's), or even improving the quality of the food.  But no, they feel they need to present an image with their product, even though everyone already knows its sub grade food and piss all over the bathroom floor.

3.  Guys who spend more making a car look cool than what they paid for the car itself.  A Focus with a spoiler, chameleon paint and scoops that arent vented is still just a golf cart.  They even make speakers you can put into your car to make it sound like you put in a turbo kit. Speakers, for christ's sake.

4.  That bouncer at the club that wouldn't let me back in even though I had a wristband, all because I left my id at home (I had to sneak in earlier and ask one of the wristband girls for a 'new' one), which was weird because I had been bar hopping all night and not ONE other person carded me.  Dude was like 350, though, so I didnt want to start shit.

5.  Not having a monkey-still waiting.

6.  Pop music.

7.  Knowing that there will never be an eradication of suffering or war anytime soon.

8.  Knowing I probably wont be able to inflict any of that suffering or war myself.

9.  Shitty Discovery/History Channel lineups.  Fucking seriously, Pawn Stars?  "Dur, history happens every day!"  Yes, but it sure as hell doesnt happen to four fat asses selling junk in Vegas.  Oh, the junk has historical value?  Too bad its still a terrible premise for a show.  Then there's American pickers, which is the same theme of old crap that somebody somewhere is going to pay hundreds for while they pay a fraction of its actual value to the owner.  I once saw 14 solid hours of these two shows on the tv guide, and they looped, too.  And when they're not playing that crap its "Guys Doing Laborous Jobs", for the other ten hours of the day.  The rest of the content is mostly doomsday/apocalypse programming, one of them even taking cut scenes from that terrible 2012 movie.  I will hand it to History, though, they do return to their roots during the Sunrise With Hitler block at 4 freaking am.

10.  TV in general-I dunno, its just not fun anymore.  Im told what to watch when, most of the good shows are on pay channels, and anything else worth watching is just a rehash of something else (ie The Killing = Twin Peaks).  Adult Swim remains watchable, but most of their good stuff gets cancelled too soon and they hang on to crap.  I do appreciate the anime, as they do find gems from time to time like Cowboy Bebop, Paranoia Agent and FLCL.

11.  Asshole parents who let their bansee spawn run around the god damned restaraunt and do nothing more than raise their voices and give their kids a mean look that only goads the child on.  I like kids, but when they actually make enough noise to make the windows vibrate I kind of want to punt them.  Even so, its the parents I hate in this one, so mind that.

12.  My dog pissing on my bed without even giving a "please take me out now" bark.

13.  Ugh, hmm...ah, trying to eat a quick breakfast before work and having to change gears all the time wth food in my hand because of stupid traffic.

14.  Finding an old toy or collectible, remembering it used to be worth something and checking to see that its only fetching three bucks on ebay.

15.  Spiders.  Fuck them.

A little about myself.

Well, it happened.  I got bored enough to start a blog.  Not much I can do as far as apologies go, so I'll let you continue at your own risk of wasting time.

I figured a good first post would be to make a bit of an introduction, so future posts will seem realevant and I wont have to explain too much on opinions and experiences.

I'm a 20-something male from the US (oh, so much credibility to my opinions has just been revoked), I come from a military family, mostly Navy/Marines, and I have plans to join some branch or another myself as soon as my chronic fatness is cured.  Being a Navy brat, I travelled around a bit as a kid.  I was born in Connecticut, moved to South Carolina, then Iceland, which was the last post we lived at before my mother retired (my father had long been out of the service).  After that, we moved to Pennsylvania where we have sat on our slowly fattening asses for the past 14 years.

My parents are now divorced, and after a bit of a falling out my younger brother and I are somewhat estranged from our father.  Its not that bad, cause really he wasnt the best dad.  He tried, but his upbringing was pretty rough and I dont think he was suited for parenting all that well.  I feel bad for him, but I think at this time getting back in touch is out of the question.

So, what do I do?  I'm a waiter at a restaraunt.  Glamorous, I know, but I try to not let it get to my head.  I graduated high school almost dead center in class standing.  I was pretty smart, but I have the work ethic of a Mexican stereotype, and almost never did homework.  The only thing that saved my ass and got me into college was my superb test taking abilities, balancing my grades to an acceptible level and giving me a few scholarships to boot.  Once college happened, though, weed happened too.  My already deplorable work ethic was now fictional, and after five semesters I was officially dropped out.  This happened in 2009, so my prospects were a tad limited as far as finding full time work.  I drifted around, doing odd jobs and seasonal work, but it wasnt paying the bills.  My brother was a bit concerned about my situation, so I was fortunate that he talked his boss into getting me a dishwashing position, and I lucked out that she was looking for servers less than a week later so I offered myself for the position, and here I am.

My free time is spent mostly on the little machine I am using at the time of this post.  I discovered just how awesome the internet actually was after my first bout of unemployment, as before that it was just a library of funny pictures, games and porn.  I gradually started moving my social life to a more web based medium with my lack of spending fundage, and today I can safely say that 80% of my person to person interactions happen online.  Sad, but keeps me afloat.  Theres also gaming, which a stoner of my age is usually quite proficient at.

The other parts of my free time are spent on reading, playing cards and other, less technilogical pastimes.  I do get physical activity in, too!  I have a minor excercise regimen for my mornings, usually a mile on the treadmill and as many pushups as I feel like doing.  I draw pretty well, not great but enough to leave me satisfied with the end result.  I may even share a few, although more recent projects have a very, um, trippy feel to them.  I mentioned that I smoke weed, but about three years ago I tried some harder drugs, LSD being the first.  I have since expanded my horizons, sometimes without my knowlege, and I have experiece in using several drugs of both physical and mental stimulation, uppers and downers alike.  Please understand, if youre of the tolerant sort, that Im not a junkie.  I have used acid literally three times ever, totalling less than five hits, and any other drug I have only sampled once or twice.  I like to respect the boundary between use and abuse, and dropping acid once a year or so doesnt seem to fall into the abuse category.  And, whenever Im trying something new, I keep the doses low and I make sure I have a sherpa (someone well versed in the effects of the chemical of the day).  Also, I never drive when Im intoxicated.  I just dont feel like risking any sort of legal trouble, seeing as how my 'get out of jail free card' has been used already.  Anyway, those precautions dont excuse me from the activities themselves that I can call myself completely responsible, but compared to a lot of the people I have met who also partake, I can assure you Im in the camp that is most responsible.

Anyway, thats the long and skinny of it.  Im not entirely sure what else I want to say, so Ill just leave it for another time.  If I havent bored anyone silly yet, there's still time.