We've all done stupid shit, or are on the path to creating a small legacy of stories to reminisce over at reunions. Here are a few of my stories, from retarded-stupid to 'what the fuck is your problem?'. Bear in mind the age I was during the events retold below (or in one case please forgive me).
15; Stole a garbage can from my HS cafeteria-One day after lunch, a group of friends and I thought it would be jolly good fun to jack one of the refuse bins (they were on wheels and right next to the door, this should have been anticipated). We had no plan on what to do once it left the doors, so we ended up just walking it down the hallway. As the crowd thinned, we were able to drag in enough people to surround and effectively hide it from authority figures. Soon, it was just our ring of people all huddled together around the can walking down the hall. We sang* to cover up the noise of the wheels before someone had the bright idea to pick it up. Once we got to the main crossroads of the school everyone let go of the garbage can and split, leaving several confused security guards (I love how thats normal now) to wonder what the fuck kids these days think is funny. Oh, except I was laughing my ass off too much to have heard everyone agree on when to drop, so I was left holding the garbage can by the freaking handle. I have no idea what gave me the brilliant plan I had next. You see, after all other people ran off laughing and the administration got a decent look at me, I decided to run for it myself. Only, I never let go of the garbage can, and the first path I chose was right up a flight of steps. With every stair I went up the wheels on the garbage can banged into one themselves and eventually the whole base broke off. Rid of half the weight (they were heavy ass wheels), I flew up the steps and into... a security guard who was holding a radio and knew everything. She grabbed me as I threw the bin at her, and that must have done the trick because I slipped out and bolted down the hall, never to be caught.
*"a la la la la la la la" with no tempo or stable rythm and all discordy.
18; Shat on a vending machine-So I was high and on top of a building that had vending machines below it, and I had to shit but these were my early stoner days and didnt want my mom to hear me taking a shit and going back outside at 2am so I had like three options and this one was the funniest. To wipe I used my boxers, and to dispose of the boxers I used a can of Axe and a lighter. Was awesome, until a cop rolled by just as I was smacking the drawers on the wall. Luckily, I was wearing THE most comfortable shorts ever made (I still use them as my "Im doing every single boxer I own" laundry day pants) and had no discomfort in the six block sprint I ran laughing my ass off. Im not sure if they ever cleaned it off, or even thought to look up there, or if rain washed it away but I will never have a soda from that machine ever again.
10ish; Jousted-Im not sure exactly how old I was, but it was after "A Knight's Tale" came to vhs and my brother watched that movie every single day for weeks. We got it in our heads that we could find sticks and get on our bikes and run into each other. My plan (for fuck's sake why I dont know) was to be as hurt as possible, which was awesome because thats exactly what happened. I had a gash from my nipple to my armpit and my brother was basically stabbed in the chest with a blunt piece of wood. It took us three or four tries to figure out that it was basically the worst idea ever and call it a day.
10ish still; Javellened my brother with a broom-Dont remember too well why, but my brother walked into a room and I threw the broom at him, hitting his eye and giving him a minor concussion. We lied our asses off, saying he fell down the stairs and hit the bookshelf at the bottom, and to this day I dont see how our mom wasnt contacted by child services.
11; Prank phone calls-The best part of this is that we (my brother and I) did this literally within months of caller id coming out. They were still running the commercials, unveiling the wonders of knowing who's calling before you pick up! But yes, we thought it would be cool so we dialed a random number (same area code luckily), found one that had an answering machine and left dozens of the most obscene, disgusting and horrifying messages our young little minds could concieve (76% involved dicks and butts/poo). We thought we were so clever and hilarious, sitting in silent victory as the evening went on until about 830-9ish when we got the call back. Our mother was in tears as she screamed at us, and even smacked me over one particular message involving monkeys. I was grounded for probably the longest I had ever been, and for this I missed a lot of pokemon episodes. And at 11, that was worse than death.
As usual, theres more, but this much took longer than I thought and I could always use more fodder.
15; Stole a garbage can from my HS cafeteria-One day after lunch, a group of friends and I thought it would be jolly good fun to jack one of the refuse bins (they were on wheels and right next to the door, this should have been anticipated). We had no plan on what to do once it left the doors, so we ended up just walking it down the hallway. As the crowd thinned, we were able to drag in enough people to surround and effectively hide it from authority figures. Soon, it was just our ring of people all huddled together around the can walking down the hall. We sang* to cover up the noise of the wheels before someone had the bright idea to pick it up. Once we got to the main crossroads of the school everyone let go of the garbage can and split, leaving several confused security guards (I love how thats normal now) to wonder what the fuck kids these days think is funny. Oh, except I was laughing my ass off too much to have heard everyone agree on when to drop, so I was left holding the garbage can by the freaking handle. I have no idea what gave me the brilliant plan I had next. You see, after all other people ran off laughing and the administration got a decent look at me, I decided to run for it myself. Only, I never let go of the garbage can, and the first path I chose was right up a flight of steps. With every stair I went up the wheels on the garbage can banged into one themselves and eventually the whole base broke off. Rid of half the weight (they were heavy ass wheels), I flew up the steps and into... a security guard who was holding a radio and knew everything. She grabbed me as I threw the bin at her, and that must have done the trick because I slipped out and bolted down the hall, never to be caught.
*"a la la la la la la la" with no tempo or stable rythm and all discordy.
18; Shat on a vending machine-So I was high and on top of a building that had vending machines below it, and I had to shit but these were my early stoner days and didnt want my mom to hear me taking a shit and going back outside at 2am so I had like three options and this one was the funniest. To wipe I used my boxers, and to dispose of the boxers I used a can of Axe and a lighter. Was awesome, until a cop rolled by just as I was smacking the drawers on the wall. Luckily, I was wearing THE most comfortable shorts ever made (I still use them as my "Im doing every single boxer I own" laundry day pants) and had no discomfort in the six block sprint I ran laughing my ass off. Im not sure if they ever cleaned it off, or even thought to look up there, or if rain washed it away but I will never have a soda from that machine ever again.
10ish; Jousted-Im not sure exactly how old I was, but it was after "A Knight's Tale" came to vhs and my brother watched that movie every single day for weeks. We got it in our heads that we could find sticks and get on our bikes and run into each other. My plan (for fuck's sake why I dont know) was to be as hurt as possible, which was awesome because thats exactly what happened. I had a gash from my nipple to my armpit and my brother was basically stabbed in the chest with a blunt piece of wood. It took us three or four tries to figure out that it was basically the worst idea ever and call it a day.
10ish still; Javellened my brother with a broom-Dont remember too well why, but my brother walked into a room and I threw the broom at him, hitting his eye and giving him a minor concussion. We lied our asses off, saying he fell down the stairs and hit the bookshelf at the bottom, and to this day I dont see how our mom wasnt contacted by child services.
11; Prank phone calls-The best part of this is that we (my brother and I) did this literally within months of caller id coming out. They were still running the commercials, unveiling the wonders of knowing who's calling before you pick up! But yes, we thought it would be cool so we dialed a random number (same area code luckily), found one that had an answering machine and left dozens of the most obscene, disgusting and horrifying messages our young little minds could concieve (76% involved dicks and butts/poo). We thought we were so clever and hilarious, sitting in silent victory as the evening went on until about 830-9ish when we got the call back. Our mother was in tears as she screamed at us, and even smacked me over one particular message involving monkeys. I was grounded for probably the longest I had ever been, and for this I missed a lot of pokemon episodes. And at 11, that was worse than death.
As usual, theres more, but this much took longer than I thought and I could always use more fodder.
No comments:
Post a Comment